Psychology

The Liberating Distinction Between Hopes And Dreams

hopes and dreams
The liberating distinction between hopes and dreams.

This article is part of the goal setting theme for January.

Before we get into the nitty gritty of goal setting, it’s important to identify what lies behind the goal setting process. Mind That Ego is more spiritual self-fulfilment, less attainment. When working with clients, I want to emphasise internal development — not external — is the key to long-term contentment. For that reason, from a spiritual and wellbeing perspective, I’m incredibly wary of goal setting. Though seen as integral to living a full life, it can impede contentment.

This is because when mismanaged, goal setting becomes an “I’ll be happy when.” A perfect example of this is the phenomenon of “post-Olympic depression,” whereby gold-winning medalists sink into a depressive state after achieving their ultimate goal. The same can be said of any elite performer, whether an Oscar-winner or a musician with a gold-selling album. In the same manner, those who chase financial success often find that, having made the first million pounds, it’s not enough. Now they want two million, then five, then 10. Harvard University lecturer Tal Ben-Shahar calls this the arrival fallacy.

To put it simply, the achievement of goals isn’t a means to happiness. To counter that truth, I believe there is a vital distinction to allow you to remain fulfilled and content during every step of your journey to achieving goals. This distinction prevents the egoic trap of “I’ll be happy when my goals are achieved.”

The key is understanding is the distinction between hopes and dreams.

Abandon Hope

We live in a culture of hope. A prime example is the iconic Hollywood film, The Shawshank Redemption, which uses the slogan “hope will set you free.” This is a lie.

Tibetan Buddhist Pema Chödrön provides an alternative — Abandon Hope. She reasons:

“Hope and fear come from feeling that we lack something; they come from a sense of poverty. We can’t simply relax with ourselves. We hold on to hope, and hope robs us of the present moment. We feel that someone else knows what’s going on, but that there’s something missing in us, and therefore something lacking in our world.”

Chödrön highlights the fact that hope is linked to attachment. Hoping for certain things to go a certain way in the external world becomes a condition for our happiness. But as highlighted by the arrival fallacy, once those hopes are attained (IF they are attained), there is no salvation. Only A New Hope.

It’s difficult to avoid this trap as hope is ingrained in our culture. Knowledge bible Wikipedia defines hope as an “optimistic state of mind.” The opposite of hope is hope-less-ness or despair. But if we understand hope in the new light outlined above, we understand the opposite of hope isn’t despair, it’s liberation. We realise that abandoning hope and the attachment to attainment is freeing. Hope-less-ness becomes a desired state of mind.

When setting goals, we walk a tightrope, with hope lingering below. But abandoning hope doesn’t mean we have to abandon goals. The desire to progress is a huge part of human life. It has immense value. So how do we balance progress and goal setting in a non-attached manner? We dream.

The Value Of Dreams

“Dream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you’ll die today.” — James Dean.

Dreams are different from hopes. Dreams are fantasies created with a mixture of imagination and play. Most of us define our dreams as practically unachievable, and consequently we aren’t attached to their fruition. Apply the DNA of dreams to goal setting, and you’ll be simultaneously liberated and motivated.

In The Idea In You, authors Martin Amor and Alex Pellew provide a model for healthy dreams, referred to as the Two Horizons. The idea is that, in your mind’s eye, you apply two horizons to your goals. The horizon far away in the distance is the ultimate dream. The one closer is the “to-do,” or the just-do-it action that needs to be done, today, to take you closer to the far-off horizon.

The beauty of this model is that you mix practicality with limitlessness. Your far-off horizon can be as elaborate, exciting and flamboyant as you like. It’s the best-case-scenario of your pursuit. Amor and Pellew encourage us to have fun with this; they ask us to close our eyes, to vividly imagine what lies on this horizon, to immerse ourselves in all aspects of it, to make a movie in our mind.

But remember, the key is to not become attached to this horizon. You do not think: “I hope I make it to this horizon. Then I will be happy.”

Examples Of The Two Horizons Dream

Let’s apply this to my goal of becoming a Life Coach.

The far-off horizon is a blissful place. I see myself with the freedom to travel, with a beautiful apartment in Berlin, overlooking the spree. I have a reading room with lots of light and lots of plants, a deluxe coffee machine in the kitchen, an ultra-high definition projector in my bespoke cinema room (materialism is okay in moderation, ha). I’ve continued to develop my knowledge of personal growth. I have a wealth of clients who I work with intimately. I share my knowledge and experience to help them, and in turn, they help me to continue to improve and develop.

Two Horizons
The Two Horizons model for goal setting.

My near horizon, my “to-do,” is writing this post. It’s focusing on what I can learn today. It’s putting in a few hours of study on my course. The beauty of this model is that this far-off horizon is also helping to motivate me to get out of bed, get up, and do those immediate tasks.

Two horizons can be applied to any goal. Take exercise. I love lifting weights. I have goals. Again, my far-off horizon is blissful. I have my “ideal” physique (vanity is okay in moderation). I feel strong in body and mind. I’m lifting more than I ever imagined I would when starting out. I’m knowledgeable of what it takes to help the body reach its potential.

My near horizon is going to the gym, today. It’s eating well, today. It’s getting enough rest, tonight. It’s enjoying how I train, but also making sure I beat the man I was last week. Even if only by one repetition.

Like everything in life, the key to the Two Horizon model balance. Don’t get swept up in the far-off horizon and daydream — you won’t get things done. Don’t obsess over the near-horizon, it can feel monotonous or worth putting off for another day.

A Note On Depression And Hope

I’ll conclude with a note on depression. When I was seriously depressed, I felt it important to hold on to the glimmer of hope that one day I’d feel better. For any of you suffering from depression now, the thought of abandoning hope will seem like a process of giving up.

Firstly, the model outlined above is less for major mood disorders, and more for the destructive traps we can fall into during the “pursuit” of goals. However, in hindsight, I do believe abandoning hope is relevant for depression. And here’s why: it’s not hope you need, but faith.

There is a significant difference between hope and faith. Hope is the craving for a desired outcome — “one day I’ll feel happy.” Faith is different. It’s not craving an outcome, but instead, a state of belief that all of this is worthwhile. Put into thinking terms, this may look like: “I am suffering greatly now. But this is all for a reason. I’ll come back stronger, learn from my experience, grow, and help others in the same position.”

Faith is the belief that you’ll experience personal growth from adversity. Instead of relying on an outcome, looking ahead to a place in time when things are better, you instead accept the situation as it is, acknowledge it’ll change, and take meaning from it by believing that once things have changed (all things do) you will have learned from it.

So if you are suffering right now, you too can abandon hope, have faith, and dream of what it’ll be like once you’ve overcome this challenge.

 

Psychology

When Depression Strikes

This isn’t easy to write. But I’ve promised an open and honest relationship, to lead by example. So it’s only right I share the personal challenge I’ve been facing.

Up until recently, I’d been surfing the electrochemical wave of energised neurons as they vigorously fired through the synapses of my brain. My mind felt free and abundant with ideas and exciting prospects for the future. My imagination vividly presented me bright, lifelike visualisations. An unconditional zest for being alive powered me forwards with purpose.

My energy — all that makes me “me” — flowed beyond my physical body, meeting the energy that makes everything “everything,” connecting me with the rest of the world, and beyond.

Then depression struck.

I don’t know why it surprises me, I’ve been here many times. But try as I might, it returns. And with it the reverse of what I’d experienced moments before. Zest replaced by numbness. Forward motion replaced by a sinking sensation.

Those neurons, they slowed as they attempted to fight their way through the thick grey sludge of a weary brain. My energy returned from distant stars and compressed into the confines of flesh and bone. “Me” no longer connected with “everything,” creating a bubble, leaving me isolated, stuck in the mud of the mind. My imagination now a perpetual loop of sepia-tinted memories, encasing me in a nostalgic amber of better times.

I’d been meditating. Eating well. Exercising regularly. Avoiding alcohol. Practicing mindfulness. Journaling. Taking multivitamins and Omega-3. Bathing in ultra-bright artificial light. I’d been studying the human mind, training for the time when I can hopefully help others.

But it doesn’t matter. There’s a simple truth about depression: no matter how much you prepare, no matter how much you know, or how self-aware you are, depression can strike. No matter your status in life, how happy you seem, how much money you have in the bank, how healthy your body or how healthy your relationships, depression can strike. No matter how you eat, sleep, rave or repeat, depression can strike.

An anti-emotion.

Depression is a defect of the very core. It’s the extinguishing of the sun that nourishes the body’s solar system. Yet I can still laugh at jokes, appear happy, appear motivated. For those without first hand experience, this can be a strange concept. Planets continue to orbit an extinguished sun.

In my experience, depression doesn’t really strike. Striking is filled with energy. But depression is the opposite. Putting aside beliefs or scientific understanding, depression dims the special element that gives us life, whatever the source or the nature of that element. It’s an anti-emotion, too numb to qualify as numb. It’s beyond emotion, beyond sadness.

We’re the architects of how we see the world. Everything outside of us is filtered by us. That’s what makes depression so consuming — life is filtered through bleakness. In the eye of the storm, it filters your future projections, your view on your relationships, your view on who you are, your view on your worth, abilities, importance.

Then comes the shame.

“FFS Ricky. Come on. Stop being stupid. You know these are self-destructive thought patterns. You know not to identify with them. You know how to be mindful. You know how to focus on sensation. You know things will change. So why are you stuck? This is your making.”

Then came the kicker.

“How will you ever become a Life Coach if you can’t manage your own emotions?”

Ouch. Way to kick me when I’m down and shit all over my dreams, brain.

But always remember these truths.

I’ve been vocal about depression and anxiety because I’m all too aware — no matter how knowledgeable or experienced you are — of its ability to deceive. I know what it’s like to feel isolated, and I remember reading other’s experiences in times of need, which reassured me. Still, it’s incredibly hard for me to be open and honest when I’m not hiding behind hindsight.

But this post isn’t intended to be negative, full of despair or hopeless. Instead, I want to throw a metaphorical life-jacket to anyone out there drowning a little. If you are in need of that life-jacket, please, please remember these crucial truths:

  1. You are not alone and people love you. Ignore any thoughts telling you otherwise.
  2. Your negative view on yourself and your world is temporarily misaligned. Do not take it seriously. It is not the truth, it is a perspective influenced by your current state.
  3. Be kind to yourself. Self-compassion is a massive fuck you to depression. Take the day off work, switch off, be kind to yourself.
  4. Reach out, talk to someone. Your brain might tell you they don’t care or they won’t listen, but see point 1.
  5. Start rebuilding by focusing on one or two positives. Anything. Morning coffee? A smile from a stranger? Surprise December sun? All valid.
  6. Keep going.
  7. Remember impermanence. Things will change. This too shall pass. Soon the sun will shine and the view on yourself and your world will be bright again.

A message of hope.

For our muscles to grow, first they must be damaged. Then they repair and grow stronger. What’s to say depression isn’t the brain’s equivalent of this process?

Thank God, I’m coming out the other side. Again. And you will too. Every time you do, you’ll recover quicker. You’ll return stronger.

When the sun reignites, it’ll shine brighter than before.

Depression deserves respect, but it’s not something to be defined by.

You are not depression, and neither am I.

 

Psychology

Categorising 70,000 Daily Thoughts

One of the biggest benefits of meditation is increased awareness of thought. Meditation allows you to see thoughts for what they really are. When you see thoughts clearly, you are less attached to them, which gives life a greater sense of ease. But how significant and consuming are thoughts? How many thoughts do we have daily? And is there even anything wrong in thinking, anyway?

Most of us live in our heads to some degree. Estimations on how many thoughts fire through the brain vary. The higher end predicts we have up to 70,000 thoughts every day. That’s 2,916 every hour. 48 every minute.

Is that number accurate? 70,000 sounds like a lot. There are only so many times you can think about what you’re having for tea or what to watch on Netflix. However, the number skyrockets thanks to the wealth of subconscious thoughts firing through the mind at any given moment. Subconscious thought is so instinctual and deeply ingrained, most of the time we don’t realise it’s the reason we’ve become distracted.

Breaking Down The Different Types Of Thought

Before I begin dissecting the different categories of common thought, it’s important to note that thinking isn’t inherently bad. This is a frequent misconception with meditation — that transcending thinking is an idea goal. But that discounts rational, intellectual thinking which absolutely necessary. Problem solving, planning, analytically weighing up the pros and cons of a situation are all crucial skills of human maturity that fall under the umbrella of “thinking.”

thinking
There are many types of thought.

The key is that only a small portion of those 70,000 are deliberate thoughts. That means the rest of the time, your brain is busy thinking without your consent and influencing your emotions.

When referring to meditation and spirituality, you’ll often hear terms such as “detached from thinking,” “not identifying with thought” and so on. In an attempt to clarify what such statements mean, I’ll break down the thought processes I notice within my own inner-world.

Purposeful Intellectual Thought

As mentioned above, this includes problem solving and planning. I wholeheartedly support this rational thinking because you need it to live life as a fully functioning adult. While admirable and necessary, it’s also rare for us to a) take some time out to actively focus our attention on such thought and b) avoid slipping into a daydream state where the problem solving and planning takes control of us.

Let’s say you’re planning a weekend away. Purposeful planning would be putting aside some time to sit down, do some research and weigh up the cost and logistics of different locations. Maybe you’ll scan Airbnb, go incognito on Skyscanner, look at affordable flights and write a list of desired destinations, budgets and so on. Great! This is essential if you want to go on holiday. It ain’t gonna book itself while you sit and meditate on the breath.

However, even this form of well-meaning thinking can cunningly turn into idle, background static in the mind. Example: you’re walking through the isles at Aldi looking for something to eat for dinner, when you realise you’ve spent 10 minutes thinking about where you could go on holiday, and now you’ve strolled passed the cheese section — you want cheese for dinner.

Here, your subconscious has continued to work, and it’s disrupted you at a time that isn’t convenient.

Purposeful Reflection

Here’s another area that isn’t intended to be swept up in the “thinking is bad” mindset. I call this purposeful reflection because again, the desire to reflect is deliberate on your part. Reflecting is a valuable process for spiritual and emotional growth. If something bad happens, taking your mind’s eye to that place, looking at how you behaved and what you can learn has immense value. As is the experience of processing events.

Most of us engage in a little purposeful reflection while travelling. Great! This is a healthy, enjoyable process. Like planning, though, sometimes reflection creeps up on us. I often become immersed in a world of events gone by when, wait, what’s that smell?! Shit, I’ve burnt my toast because I was swept up in memories of what I was doing this time last year. Oops.

Psychological Time-Travel

I can (and I will) write a lot on this topic. Eckhart Tolle’s concept of psychological time was one of the first concepts that really opened my eyes to the extent the mind prevents us from simply being. If I could ask anyone reading this to explore one “spiritual” (I use this term loosely) concept, it’s this.

Psychological time is the understanding the present moment is all that ever exists. The past consists only of memories. The future, our imagination. Therefore, psychological time is a product of the mind, and it isn’t useful (clock time is, though: see fully functioning adult). Being able to mentally flitter back and forth from the an apparent past, present and future, deceives us into feeling like time is a palpable entity.

When time feels like a palpable entity, we identify with it. This is a problem. Anyone who suffers from anxiety will know how vividly the mind can project mental visualisations of a future that appears real. Such futures are almost always worst case scenarios.

It’s not only anxiety sufferers, though. Everyone travels in the mind on a daily basis. Let’s say you’re on your way to work, when a complete stranger physically knocks you out of the way to get the last seat on the carriage. You feel angry and victimised. Suddenly, you realise five minutes have passed and you’ve missed your stop. You’ve been ruminating on the event and you’ve been taken out of the present by the memory of what happened moments before.

In terms of the future, image you have to give a presentation at work in the afternoon. The whole morning, rather than focusing on the tasks you have to do in the hours running up to the presentation, your mental cinema is playing the “must see” premiere of the meeting before it happens. You’ve spent the morning mentally projecting to a perceived future.

Inner Dialogue

Occasionally, we may use our inner voice to motivate ourselves for certain events. “Come on you can do this!” Mostly, though, that inner voice isn’t being so supportive. Us humans are blessed with a negative bias, which means our monkey mind often has bad things to say about our past, our present, and our future.

Ever said something you regret, only to realise you’ve missed the next 30 seconds of conversation because the unhelpful dialogue is telling you that was a stupid thing to say? I’d hazard a guess all of us have at some point.

Tune in to your inner dialogue. It’s there all of the time, but most of us don’t pay much attention to it. When you do pay attention, you’ll realise that is had a profound affect on how you think and feel. Fortunately, we can manage or inner dialogue. Each time you notice your negative inner voice, try reframing with compassion and talking to yourself like you would a friend.

How It All Comes Together

I’m only touching the tip of the iceberg with these forms of thinking — there are many, many more. Suddenly, when you take into account how all of these forms interact, consciously and unconsciously, 70,000 doesn’t seem too much.

Here’s a quick experiment to prove my point. Take a look at the image below:

Traffic light.
Oh look, a green man!

Bear with me on this one, it’s going somewhere. When looking at the image, what did you think? The chances are you experienced a multitude of thoughts, visualisations and beliefs. Here’s what I thought when I found the image:

“Ah, a traffic light. That’s a nice example to use, it’s pretty indiscriminate. Wait, where is that? Is that the UK? No it’s not. It looks more like the UK than Germany though. Isn’t it weird how in Berlin everyone obeys the green man? Why am I thinking this? Wait is this thought experiment even legitimate? What’s the point? Is anyone going to understand what I’m trying to get at? No, come on Ricky, you can do this (deliberate inner-dialogue, bonus points).”

Then, I had a strong visual image of the green man in Germany (known as the Ampelmännchen) loaded with streams of thought about how patiently waiting (even though there is no traffic within miles) is part of German culture, and how I identify with waiting for the green man in Berlin as a sign of my acceptance of that culture.

All of this might sound a bit silly, but I want to try to illustrate how many thoughts one simple, inoffensive, innocuous image can have. Now, imagine how many thoughts, beliefs and images you have when meeting another living, breathing human being. Yikes!

Understanding and noting the multitude of the thinking mind also highlights why meditation is so important. We’re distracted much more frequently than we may believe. By focusing our attention on the breath and taking a curious, playful approach, we begin to see thoughts more clearly. Consequently, they lose their hold and we can bring our focus to the present.

Try this exercise today: I want you to note every time you’ve been distracted by thought. Then, label those thoughts according to the above categories. Note how many times this happens throughout the course of the day.

I’d love to hear what you discover in the comments. Make them good, you have 70,000 to choose from.

 

Psychology

Lacking Motivation? Abolish This Common Fallacy And Achieve Anything

I don’t make promises lightly, but I promise you, by the end of this article you’ll be ready to begin a task you’ve been delaying. Big or small, it doesn’t matter. You’ll do it. Why am I so sure about this? Because most of us share a common misconception of that fabled M word — motivation. That misconception causes us to look in the wrong place for motivation, as if it were a tangible element necessary for making a start. This error in approaching motivation causes us to get stuck in a cycle of procrastination prevents us starting the things that matter.

What is this misconception? It’s time for a fundamental truth…

You don’t need to be motivated to get started.

Wow, groundbreaking revelation there Ricky! It sounds so simple. It sounds too easy. It sounds so obvious. But the fact is, most of us don’t adhere to this simple fact. We wait for motivation to come to us, hold us aloft and carry us past the starting line of our most urgent “to-dos.”

If you’re doubting how common it is for us to behave this way, I want you to bring to mind a task you’re yet to start. How many times have you thought of this task? How many times has it entered your mind, only for you to dismiss it?

Now, I want you to think about the thoughts and feelings associated with this delayed task. Let’s say your task is cleaning the kitchen. You think: “I don’t feel like cleaning it now, I’ll do it later” / “I never enjoy cleaning the kitchen, I’ll wait a bit” / “I don’t feel like cleaning.”

You may also have emotions tied up with these thoughts; perhaps a sense of shame for not having done the task sooner or a sense of anxiety at the thought of cleaning the hob, chiselling dried porridge from your favourite ceramic bowl (“why did I let it dry, it’s oat-based cement!“) or sweeping the bread crumbs and broken dreams off the floor.

All of these thoughts and emotions are linked to a perceived lack of motivation. This is a trap. You’re waiting for motivation to arrive and give you permission. You’re waiting for your thoughts to finally give you the green light: “Yeah, I’ve put this off for long enough! Now’s the time! Hand me the rubber gloves and the Mr. Muscle this kitchen is gonna be PRISTINE!”

This leads us on to truth number two…

You are a slave to the motivation paradox if you wait for motivation to begin any task.

motivation
Don’t wait for motivation to give you the green light.

We’ve all got a million and one things to do every day, so what if I don’t clean the kitchen? Take out the bins? Call the doctor? Delete my emails? Check the post? Go to the grocery store? Walk the dog? Write a complaint letter to Adidas’ CEO for sending me the wrong colour shorts twice in a row (seriously how difficult is it to not mistake light grey for navy blue?).

It matters because we are creatures of habit. The habit of being enslaved by a lack of motivation will spread into every area of your life. You know what that means? It means you are delaying on getting started on the things that count, too. You’re delaying taking that course. You’re delaying reading that book. You’re delaying contacting that person who can help you start your new career. You’re delaying telling someone how you really feel. You’re delaying following your dream.

Which leads me on to a slightly somber truth number three…

If you wait to be motivated to start the big things, you’ll probably die before you get the chance to begin.

Shit. Bit dark, isn’t it? But I want to highlight the significant impact procrastination can have on your life. All of us have ideas, have dreams, desires. But only a small minority manifest those ideas, dreams and desires in the material world. The majority leave them in the mind, putting them off for a future space where motivation drives us forward. Why? Because of fear. Fear of failure or fear of stepping outside of our comfort zone. Considering how hard it is to get motivated to take the bins out, it’s no surprise it’s almost impossible to find the right time to start pursuing a dream.

Time for truth number four…

Mentally bookmarking tasks for an imaginary future is a common fallacy.

The only time is now. Both the past and the future are constructs of the mind. No task has ever started in the future. No dream fulfilled in the future. Only in the present. Mentally bookmarking a task to begin the future is one of many cunning ways your ego deceives you into not starting until IT is ready. The time-constrained ego also convinces you happiness awaits in the future.

You may be thinking of a time you’ve mentally bookmarked a task and then fulfilled it at a later date as proof this works. But that’s all part of the illusion. You didn’t do it in the future. There was a point in the present when you finally decided to take action, with or without motivation.

Of course, this doesn’t mean all decisions need to be made immediately. Certain decisions need time and contemplation. There may be circumstances outside of your control, preventing you from acting. But the truth is, 90% of delayed tasks could begin. Now.

Which leads us onto a final, more promising point five…

When you take the lead, motivation will follow.

After spotting the mind’s tendency to wait for motivation, you break the cycle. You ignore it and act. Once you’ve started, you’ll find that motivation follows. Like an attention seeking child, when it realises you’re moving on without it, it’ll catch up with you, eager to join in on the action.

Let’s call this act-first-don’t-wait-for-motivation mindset the Mind That Ego Motivation Model. Egotistical, yes, but it sounds nice and I made this special illustration ad I’m quite pleased with it (Neil Buchanan eat your art out):

motivation-model
I drew this. Really.

What spirituality tells us about delaying decisions…

On a spiritual level, a lack of motivation illustrates an interesting meeting point between the irrational monkey mind (ego) and subconscious desire. Generally, your intuition gives you a signal to act in any given situation — think of the fleeting spark of enthusiasm that you feel in the precise moment when the thought of performing an action first comes to life in the mind. However, the monkey mind then extinguishes the initial spark with thoughts and feelings of self-doubt, fear and anxiety.

So here’s one thing I ask of you: act. Today. Don’t delay or find excuses or wait passively for a time when you feel like it. Just start. All it takes is that first small step.

Then the motivation will follow.